Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Actually, Tuesday's the new HELL

I was already irritated the moment I opened my eyes yesterday morning. It was still so dark out so I was sure I had another 25 minutes of sleep. But as I was trying to tune out the annoying voices emitting from my alarm radio, I heard the time. So I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter…wait, that’s a different story.

Anyway, I begrudgingly got up and made my way to the shower and got ready for the day. Knowing it was raining pretty hard outside, I decided not to do my hair – wait, I don’t ever do my hair – but it’s a good thing I didn’t pick yesterday to start as the short jaunt to my car left me sopping wet.

Surprisingly, the drive in wasn’t totally hellish and I arrived at the parking lot behind my building at a decent time. It was after I received my parking pass, parked and retrieved my umbrella – that I reached out of the door of my car to open said umbrella and the handle ripped off while buckets of sky juice were raining down on me and the inside of my freshly vacuumed car. Hooray!

After getting settled into my routine for the day I decided I would take a few minutes to make a friendly phone call to the lovely folks at the USPS. Yes ladles and gentlemen, my dear Godson is still without his first birthday package. After arguing with a robot for 10 minutes I was finally connected with a real (albeit helpless) human being. When asked if it was normal for a package to take over a month to reach it’s destination I was told there was “nothing they can do” and “they don’t have any type of tracking or logging system for packages sent First Class”. Well, thanks for that piece of information AFTER I sent it with what I thought was ample time. Rest assure I will NEVER send a package through USPS again.

This sent me into a fiery rage for what was left of the day and I sat there fuming, wanting to flip tables, punch everything, and cry hysterically. Then I decided I’d put together another package (with slightly different contents) and send it FedEx right away. I had learned my lesson and I wasn’t going to let my poor, adorable Godson get screwed out of a birthday package from his Auntie!

So, I left for the day and walked out to my car with an agenda. What a cute surprise when I realized my entire car was covered in bird shit. The windshield, the back window, and both sides (after I had just washed it this weekend) and absolutely no one else’s car had a drop of fowl excrement on it…in a 30 ft radius. OF COURSE! Of course mine was literally the only car shellacked with bird feces.

I sighed, silently cursed the entire species, and got in my car. I turned on the wiper fluid and wipers to try and remove some of the poop in my line of sight. After what felt like 10 minutes of constant wiper-fluid-squirting, it showed signs of defeat. At this point, all the events from the day had culminated and transformed into a brief moment of complete insanity when I was obviously a tad rough with the wiper lever and broke it clean off the steering column.

As I stared at in on the floor – I laughed and said (aloud of course), “sure – why not”. I picked it up, jammed it back into the ‘socket’ and was relieved it still worked. However, much like Andrew Bogut’s recently dislocated elbow, it was useless and floppy when trying to engage the wiper fluid (because Andrew Bogut’s elbow engages wiper fluid?). A piece at the end had snapped off and no longer has leverage to push the tiny button inside of the contraption to release wiper fluid. Guess I’ll be replacing that…

After running around the majority of the evening, post mini-rages, I successfully put together another box for Max and took it to FedEx. New girl working at FedEx that needs help with everything? Duh, who else would I get. In the end she was very nice and sympathetic when I unloaded the entire ‘woe is me’ story on her.

GOOD NEWS is I now have a tracking number, plugged that sucker in this morning and the package is already in transit from Memphis, TN with an expected delivery date of tomorrow, 6pm. I had to drop a small fortune, but at this point, that piece of mind is worth it.

Though, I AM fully expecting my cousin to call me tomorrow saying she received the original package. Then what a pleasant surprise when she receives two!

Thankfully, today is MUCH better than yesterday. Work has hit a very brief lull, I was not called in to jury duty (yet) and I can be as obsessive as I want in tracking my track-able package.

However I am dealing with a violent cowlick that looks like the Red Sea has parted in the back of my head, or someone whipped a tomahawk at my dome and left a wicked gap.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Monday, March 22, 2010

the tiniest violin

Not to make the already difficult Monday even worse with a pessimistic post, but…

Things that are currently an annoyance:

1. Health Care Reform talk – more specifically, the folks who make outrageous claims as if they can predict the future, or make comments completely giving away the fact that they haven’t even educated themselves on the issue and are just jumping on the Obamacare-will-kill-us-all bandwagon.

2. Moving. Again.

3. People who complain how fat they are whilst eating an entire bag of cheetos and/or eating a ‘mini dinner’ before going out to dinner.

4. The severe lack of sense in 89% of the people I come in contact with on a day to day basis.

5. People who apologize too much and for all the wrong things.

6. Laziness.

7. And finally – the fact that my cousin in Germany STILL has not received the package I sent for my Godson’s birthday (which was last Tuesday). We have now passed the two week mark and I can say with certainty I am never using the USPS to send a package again.

OH! AND people who do their makeup/hair/brush teeth in the bathroom at work. Seriously, I'm in here trying to do my business, I don't wanna sit in awkward silence while you need to reapply your makeup 68 times a day.

One GOOD thing to come out of today thus far is the notification that Wednesday thru Friday is casual dress at work. AND Joey Buona’s is catering our lunch on Wednesday.

Monday, Monday – can’t trust that day.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

cheese.

Pictured below is my heaven.



Sooo, how does one become involved with the World Championship Cheese Contest? Do they need volunteer taste testers?

Why was I unaware of my heaven on earth taking place at the Monona Terrace right here in Wisconsin.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bippity Boppity Boo...ooops!

It's no secret that I'm addicted to the 16 and Pregnant reality series on MTV (as well as it's counterpart, Teen Mom).

Tonight's episode featured a young girl by the name of Lori, who had a permanent "who farted" expression the entire episode.

Besides that, she had a strong resemblance to someone else...

Madame Mim's love child perhaps!?!?



Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hankering for Sword and the Stone.

liebe mein Patenkind!

Happy FIRST Birthday to my wonderful, amazing, hilarious, adorable, smiley Godson.



I sent him a package complete with a baby shirt I had made at Cafe Press that says "I :heart: my Auntie Niki" on it, haha - big legos, 2 DVDs of my favorite shows when I was little (Tom & Jerry and Fraggle Rock) and last but not least, a home-made DVD of all of his family and friends here saying happy birthday in various entertaining ways.

I mailed it out Sunday, March 7th - I thought for sure that would give enough time for it to arrive. However, I have not heard from my cousin Nina yet so it's making me nervous! I plan on calling early today to wish him a happy birthday. If they're lucky they won't be home so they'll return to a horribly sung song on the machine!

I miss you boo boo!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Rolling...

Disclaimer: this post may very well be one big spoiler alert, so proceed with caution.

I suck at making lists. Plain and simple.

I have issues with being able to narrow things down – such as: if you were stranded on an island and could only take 3 albums with you, which ones would you take? What are your top 5 movies? Your top 10 songs? Your 3 favorite meals? So on and so forth…

Can’t do it. So, just consider the following a collection of some memorable movie scenes. However, I did keep the movie choices at 10 to keep it somewhat ‘list-like’.

And I am 101% sure I’ve left out some of my favorites – but, as I said there were no guidelines to creating this ‘collection’. Just scenes from the top of my head.

I like how I’m trying to justify this pointless rambling of a post to myself…

Onward! In no particular order…

American Psycho: Chainsaw scene
Unfortunately it took me far too long after this movie came out to even see it – but after that fateful night of drinking 249 pots of coffee at Tina’s and watching it on AMC at 5am – I was totally hooked. I didn’t really want to pick one, as I rifled through so many: “FEED ME A KITTEN”, the business card scene, “is that a raincoat?”, “STOP SOUNDING SO F*CKING SAD, JESUS!” and of course the hilarious scene with Mr. Bateman in hysterics confessing his crimes. But there’s just something about that maddening scene with him completely crazed, chasing that poor girl through his apartment and into the stairwell in nothing but tennis shoes wielding a chainsaw that gets me every time.

Eulogy: Alice & Samantha scene
First off, let me say that I think this movie is truly one of the most underrated movies of all time. I had never even heard of it until I happened upon it in the ‘previously viewed’ section of Blockbuster. To be honest the only reason I bought it was because Zooey Deschanel, my major girl crush, was in it. Pleasantly surprised is an understatement. It follows a family’s coping mechanisms and general dysfunction after a family member dies. Secrets are exposed and hilarious turmoil ensues. And it is SO wonderfully weird.

Back to the task at hand. Alice (Debra Winger) is one of 4 siblings affected by the death of Ed (Rip Torn), her father. She’s high strung, cynical, married to a man she’s practically made mute, and has 3 just-as-mute children. She spends most of the first half antagonizing her sister Lucy (Kelly Preston), and her partner Judy (Famke Jannsen) about their lesbian lifestyle. However at one point you witness an awkward encounter between Alice and Samantha (Glenne Headly) after they are re-united after many years. This sets us up for the scene I’m referring to. Alice and Samantha are sitting in her car in the rain, discussing the tragic loss of Ed, and life in general when Alice asks “do you remember when my dad caught us in the basement?” – there was a moment of silence and then Samantha asks “were we doing this?” – and before you know it, everything you know/thought about Alice is turned on it’s head. Suddenly her character makes so much more sense – and then you feel a tinge of sadness because she’s been living a lie and all the things she hated in her sister were all the things she couldn’t understand in herself. And then you can’t help but laugh as someone’s ass comes crashing through the sunroof mid reunited make out session.

Believe me, this is just one of MANY, heartwarming, odd, hysterical scenes that make up this movie.

Caddyshack: Cinderella Boy
Now, this movie is CHOCK full of golden nuggets, but the first scene that always comes to mind is the groundskeeper Carl, imagining himself on the PGA Tour (or something), muttering to himself as the announcer whilst hitting the living daylights out of peonies (were they? I don’t know they looked like it) as if they were golf balls. “He’s a Cinderella boyyy, tears in his eyes I guess as he lines up for this next shot…”. Nobody but Bill Murray could have pulled this off as well.

Baby Mama: Gum scene
You cannot go wrong with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Inching ahead past the “chocolate or poop” scene is the gum scene. Angie (Poehler) is getting used to living in a civilized manner and while cackling hysterically at a guy getting whacked in the balls on “Funniest Home Videos”, puts a chewed piece of gum under the coffee table, as Kate (Fey) watches. “Did you just put gum underneath my coffee table, do you think you're at an Arby’s?” Angie’s responses are classic, “I don’t knooooow…maybe you put some of it under there!...Bitch, I don’t know your life!” Never. Gets. Old.

Waynes World: I’m in…Delaware scene
If you know me, you probably know how extremely difficult it was for me to pick ONE scene from this movie. So I went with the one that often randomly pops into my head, and that I will find any excuse to quote.

Wayne and Garth are experimenting with the new green screen capabilities after their show “Wayne’s World” becomes sponsored and put on network television. They’re standing in front as locations ‘magically’ appear behind them. “Texas, howdy partner…” “Hawaii, mooka laka laylie, c’mon you wanna lay me” and finally, “Or, Imagine! Being magically whisked away to…Delaware. Hi…I’m in…Delaware” His facial expression says it all.

Airplane!: Cockpit scene
Seriously, this whole movie is basically one whole scene. There are too many classic one-liners to count. But, in honor of Peter Graves (who passed away today) I will go with one of several hilarious cockpit scenes. Little Joey is invited into the cockpit and while there, endures a serious of random, irrelevant questions from Captain Oveur (Graves). After a sensible “You ever been in a cockpit before?” comes “You ever seen a grown man naked?” and “Joey, you ever been in a…Turkish prison?” Ahh, Random and I go hand in hand.

Following close behind is all of Rumack’s (Leslie Nielsen) ridiculous banter with various flight staff.

Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious”
Rumack: “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Rumack: “Well, can’t you take a guess?”
Oveur: “Not for another two hours”
Rumack: “You can’t take a guess for another two hours?”

Town & Country: Hover-round scene
This movie is another hidden gem. While the entire thing isn’t necessarily quotable, there is one particular scene that busts my gut. I can’t even correctly set it up as I haven’t seen it in awhile – but Eugenie (Andie McDowell) is at her mother’s home – and her mother is a crotchety old bag with a drinking problem and in a motorized wheel chair. She goes off on a foul-mouthed tirade about her husband not “doing it to her anymore”, wants him to stir her drink with “that big swinging d*** of his”, shouts an incorrectly tensed expletive and speeds past the scene in her hover-round.

Honestly one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen, because of the WTF factor.

First Wives Club: C’mon Annie scene
I want to be Diane Keaton when I grow up. The woman is naturally gorgeous and I really can’t name a movie I didn’t like her in. FWC is an old favorite and there’s a scene a friend and I quote to this day, out of the blue, 12 years later. Annie (Keaton) is at her therapists (Marcia Gay Harden) dealing with the demise of her marriage. At one point, the therapist gives Annie a foam bat and tells her to hit her. Annie, being the kind hearted, naturally mellow person she is, declines more than once as her therapist repeatedly tells her to “C’MON ANNIE, HIT ME!!” Through laughter she finally exclaims “I’d love to!” and proceeds to smack her in the face multiple times as if she were trying to kill an unwanted spider in the vicinity.

This scene has 10x the hilarity if you pause it different times throughout the bashing and take note of their facial expressions.

Along Came Polly: White Chocolate scene
As several of you know, Philip Seymour Hoffman has a special place in my heart. Because, as I so profoundly put once upon a time, he “has great comedic timing. And he’s really good in serious movies too.”

Sandy (Hoffman) is an expired child star in the movie, still living of the profits of “Crocodile Tears”. In this scene, Sandy and Ruben (Ben Stiller) are playing basketball and a maniacal Sandy is running his sweatpants’d, chubby ass around the court like a crazy person, hogging the ball and taking ridiculous shots while yelling things like “white chocolate!” and “make it rain!” as each shot bounces clean of the backboard or completely misses the hoop altogether. Then pauses the game because his “lungs are burning”.

Definitely a rewind scene (as well as in the beginning of the movie when he slips and falls on a freshly waxed dance floor).

Annnd finally

The Notebook: The Rain scene
After thinking about this ‘list’ – I realized most of my choices were comedies. Makes sense since those are typically the ones that enter my mind at any given time, causing me to laugh at inopportune times like when I’m alone which results in me looking like a complete whack-a-mole.

So then I thought about The Notebook. The first time I saw this movie was during a particularly rough period in my life – I started crying 15 minutes in and did not stop until the end. Ask my girls, Katie and Z. My eyes were so swollen I actually wore sunglasses at work the next day.

Once I was able to view the movie when my life wasn’t a somber, black hole – I was able to enjoy it like a normal person. Though most of the movie still gets to me, no matter how many times I watch it, it has become one of my most favorites. The scene where Noah and Allie are rowing back to the house shortly after they were reunited again after so many years is without a doubt my favorite. In the middle of the journey it starts pouring and once they reach the dock, Allie demands to know why he never wrote her. She finds out he did in fact write her, 365 letters, and her mother kept them from her. He exclaims it wasn’t over, and “IT STILL ISN’T OVER” – as he rushes over, mashes his face against hers and they stumble into the house, lip-locked, and make wet, soggy love. Awwww.

C’mon what do you want from me, I’m a chick.

Aaaand scene.